Traumatic Grief: Responding to the loss of my mother
What I loss to Covid-19:
Dealing with the loss of a loved one at any time is distressing. Losing someone during the coronavirus pandemic, whether to COVID-19 or to other causes, will bring additional challenges. In 2020, I became acquainted with grief on a whole new level. In the last nine months, I’ve been hanging out with the emotional responses of grief. Anger, sadness, depression, and numbness have been my constant companions. As a geriatric social worker, I counsel people all the time in their journey with grief. But when grief hit home the conversation to self sounds different than what you say to others.
April the 3rd my mom Katherine, celebrated what would be her last earthly celebration. She turned 76 years young, and two days later she died of the Coronavirus. If you can imagine my heart shattered into pieces. This was the most unexpected phone call I have ever received. Even though I knew the statistics of deaths in the nursing homes were much higher than other places, for some reason, I thought my mom would be immune (wishful thinking). Mom was feisty, and getting stronger every day, she was determined to live. None-the-less she became a statistic, and the CDC numbers are growing every day.
Mom had been living in Long-Term-Care (LTC) since June 2018 after complications with Chronic COPD and Dementia. This blog is not to place blame on LTC, but to express the reality of living with grief and serving on the frontline. I have been a caregiver most of my life and all my adult life. I was full-time caregiver to her for five years before I had to consider other living arrangements. The Guilt of placing her in long term care appeared long before she passed. I have guilt because I needed help, her health conditions were more than I could handle. I have guilt because I was available for other families, but I had no answer for my own situation. I have guilt because the last time I saw my mom was February 24th. I have guilt because I knew she never wanted to die alone in a nursing home, and alone is how she died. I have guilt. Dying is a part of life and grief is a part of the process. No two people grieve the same way or the within the same time frame, but the process is inevitable.
Traumatic Grief:
COVID-19 is a threat not only to folks living in LTC, but it is a direct assault on our life and on the lives of people we love. Losing someone to COVID-19, puts one at risk of feelings of depression, constant sadness, deep anger, nightmares and intrusive thoughts, hopelessness, loneliness, isolation, and bitterness. If you are experiencing any of these symptoms you may need help to move forward to begin healing.
Our world has changed as we know it welcome to the new normal. There are steps you can take to help yourself as you journey through grief. Take care of you by exercising, eating a healthy meal, and resting when your body tells you to. Keep in community with your living family members, faith leaders, support groups or counselor. Acknowledge your feelings but do not allow them to consume you. You have permission to cry (I had to give myself permission to miss my mom) without compounding the guilt. I find comfort in the scripture Psalms 30 “weeping may endure for a night, but JOY will come in the morning.” I can feel the breaking of day.
Rituals:
There are no words to erase the pain I feel at not being by her side as she was transitioning from life to death. There are so many unanswered questions. What I do have are the beautiful memories that made me laugh, brought me joy, and makes me want to continue serving on the frontline.
Another thing this pandemic robbed me of the opportunity of giving my mom a proper goodbye. In the African American culture, funeral’s and memorial services are important to our grieving experiences. However social distancing and other safety protocols exacerbated the grief and guilt I was already feeling. Whatever your rituals are they are important to your healing process. I will treasure the intimate service we had knowing in some small way it did give me strength and hope. I believe it is important to express your family’s rituals and keep their memory alive.
Conclusion:
Going through the grieving process and choosing to heal does not mean forgetting your loved one. Losing my mom was tough because I loved her dearly. But losing her to Covid-19 and during this pandemic has been extraordinarily difficult for me and many others. So, I say to myself as I would say to you grief is a journey and you don’t have to go at it alone…
• Reflect on the beautiful memories of your loved one
• Know that you will not get over grief, but you can get through it.
• Honor your loved one and share that grief into the future.
• This pandemic will end, but your love for those you have lost will not.
Know this you will move forward into a world that has changed personally and permanently, but we do not leave our loved ones behind. We carry them with us, with the knowledge that our bonds cannot be broken, even by death.
Regina Smith
Independent Adult Day Centers
regina_smith@adultday.com